CARL REVIEWS: THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER 34, EPISODE 10

On prayer, phone calls, and facial fractures.

EPISODE 10: THE BIGGEST FIGHT OF MY LIFE

That is what these sometimes feel like, yes.

PREVIOUSLY ON THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER: Ryan Loder experienced the joys of spiritual universalism and then wrestled Omran Chaaban to death, punching his ticket to the finals.

We start not at the gym or the house, but the Canyon Oral & Facial Surgery Center. Zygimantas Ramaska got hit in the face a whole bunch en route to beating Bekhzod Usmonov, there are some concerns about injuries before his upcoming semifinal, and Dana White presents the UFC taking him to the doctor as a matter of magnanimity as opposed to their legal requirements. There is, in fact, a small fracture in his right cheek that is expected to take two months to heal, but it's not in a dangerous place so fuck it, you're good to go. Thanks, Doctor Canyon.

Back at the house, Nathan Fletcher and Kaan Ofli discuss THE BIGGEST FIGHT OF MY LIFE in a conversation that is roughly 60% saying the word "yeah" repeatedly and Kaan referring to opponent Roedie Roets as Voldemort, which he explains by saying "He looks like Voldemort." He's trying to talk himself into a stable mindset, and Fletcher very helpfully offers a "Hey, you fucked ME up, so you should do just fine." They discuss staying in shape and disciplined while Mairon Santos quietly eats in the background and doesn't say a damn thing.

Roedie Roets is shadowboxing in his underwear. And then he is doing crawls in his underwear. And then he is bunnyhopping on the rug in his underwear.

The life of a fighter. He, too, thinks he is going to win. He is very concerned about being entertaining. Our sport is no longer sacrosanct.

Kaan talks strategy at the gym while riding the bike. He wants to be patient, establish dominance, and kick his legs a bunch. Alexa Grasso says Roedie has "no arms or legs," which seems like a dangerous level of underestimation for an opponent. Kaan wants to force Roedie to scramble in the hopes of catching a guillotine, but he will also settle for a rear naked choke. Or an uppercut. Or a knee. Kaan basically goes from 'I respect all my opponents and would never underestimate them' to 'I will beat him at everything' in the space of thirty seconds, because the fighting mind must be able to hold irrationally exclusive thoughts if it is to function.

But fuck all that, it's time for the annual coaches challenge. Dana White appears via prerecorded video to introduce the Las Vegas Aces of the Women's NBA, because Alexa and Valentina will be taking part in a free throw contest, with the winning coach getting $10,000 and each fighter getting $2,000. Which, like, sure, it's neat to potentially get $2,000 for doing nothing, but I'm pretty sure the budget for this entire event fits into 1/10 of one of Dana White's nightly gambling tabs.

Valentina doesn't think she's played basketball since she was a schoolgirl, Alexa Grasso has no idea how long it has been, and WNBA star Kelsey Plum is here to introduce the concept of shooting a basket next to a mildly disinterested ring girl holding a brick of money.

In three two-minute periods and with points awarded by distance, the challenge begins and we actually don't even get to see the whole challenge, just cut up pieces of it. Dana White and several fighters opine about how apparent it is that neither woman is very good at basketball, which begs the question of why you put them in a basketball challenge. At the end of the first period it's 6 for Valentina and 2 for Alexa. After some more mockery of their skills, round two begins with everyone missing everything until both women cotton to the strategy of only shooting the lowest risk one-point shots over and over. Despite this strategy Alexa shoots with more volume and closest the ratio gap slightly, in that at the end of the second period it's now 18 to 12. Kelsey informs Alexa that mathematically-speaking she has to take higher-risk shots or she cannot win and Valentina looks like she wants to murder someone. The third period begins with the same strategy on Valentina's part, and Alexa's high-risk shots do not pay off. Dana White is laughing at her several times a round. There is a ten-point differential with thirty seconds left and the Globetrotters are once again beating the Washington Generals. Valentina puts a stamp on things by going out to three-point range, and as time expires, she wins 33 to 17.

The tradition of The Ultimate Fighter doing an aggressively silly thing continues unabated. I hope everyone enjoys their two thousand American dollars. The members of Team Grasso engage in some extremely not passive-aggressive commentary on graciously letting the team that loses all the fights win something, which is definitely not informed by their top fighters currently cutting weight and looking like human skeletons. Shamidkhan Magomedov takes offense to Robert Valentin calling them miserable losers and cheerleaders, Robert retorts that he was joking and can therefore say whatever he wants, Giannis takes exception to Omran pushing him away, both teams quietly lead each other away, and it's pretty funny that the closest we have come to actual conflict on this show comes down to people being sore losers about a basketball shoot-off.

Zygimantas is sent to a UFC-specific doctor for a second opinion on his face. After an incredibly thorough exam involving staring at his own thumbs while turning back and forth on a swivel chair Zygi is cleared to fight for the second time, and I am starting to understand why fighters are regularly getting booked within three months of knockout losses nowadays.

It's Roedie's turn in the Phone Call Room. He gets to facetime with his mom and dad. His father is traditionally his cornerman, so the near-entire call centers around his father giving him masculine affirmations of destiny and toughness while he tries not to cry. If that sounds like mockery, none at all is intended. The ongoing theme of functional family units continues to be the biggest surprise of the season, frankly. Roedie is doing fight prep, Roedie also thinks he's better at everything, I've come to really hate that sentence. Roedie wants to focus more on pressure and pushing the wrestling game, which could play interestingly into Kaan's theoretical attempts at patience.

Kaan heads to Telephone Jail to speak with his wife. They spend a lot more time talking about the state of living in the house, which includes Kaan complaining about Team Shevchenko refusing to clean up after themselves in the kitchen and his wife immediately burning him with claims of familiarity. His wife has apparently scouted Roedie out and warns him about the way he shifts into level changes, and if there is a purer example of romantic love, I don't know what it is. She thinks Roedie's got no submission game and Kaan only has to worry about the wrestling.

Weigh-ins! Nothing happens. Roedie prays with Mark Hulme on the night before the fight and talks about how important but private his religious exercise is to him, Kaan does wrestling practice in the back yard and talks about how being a mixed martial artist is the hardest job in the world. Every schoolteacher I have ever known could kick this man's ass. As they come in for fight day, Roedie cares about the South African spirit and talks about the difficulty and strength that comes from struggling through that environment. Kaan gives a half-hearted Aussie Aussie Aussie before focusing on his personal journey.

FEATHERWEIGHT: Kaan Ofli (11-2-1, Team Grasso) vs Roedie Roets (7-1, Team Shevchenko)

Both men are grappler-type Pokemon, Kaan's got the experience edge, Roedie's got three inches of height and a pretty hilarious eight inches of reach on him, and there are six minutes left on the clock, so I'm guessing someone's about to get trucked.

ROUND ONE

Roedie shoots a takedown ten seconds into the fight and immediately gets Kaan down. Kaan gets to his feet and struggles to stay up, including getting away with two fence grabs, but Roedie gets him right back down. In the process of doing so, however, he leaves his head right under Kaan's armpit. Kaan obliges by immediately grabbing a guillotine, Roedie makes the universal facial expression of 'oh shit,' and he taps out thirty seconds into the fight.

Kaan Ofli wins by submission. On an ice floe somewhere, Cody McKenzie is smiling. Valentina talks with some frustration about telling Roedie not to rush it, which does seem to conflict with the clip of the two of them discussing a constant high-pressure focus. The South African contingent is eliminated, Team Grasso is elated, and Kaan Ofli is in the finals.

Roedie is heartbroken in the locker room. He is immensely angry at himself for making what he calls a stupid mistake and letting everyone down, and his countryman and prayer buddy Mark is there for comfort. Everyone is certain he still has a future in the sport and he's certain he'll still be the UFC champion.

NEXT TIME ON THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER: It's the all-Grasso semifinal, as Robert Valentin fights Paddy McCorry, and Alexa Grasso takes her team to a driving range, because nothing can improve the season now like golf.