CARL REVIEWS: THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER 32, EPISODE 9

The end is in sight, but there are miles to go before we sleep.

EPISODE 9: YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING

I feel like these episode titles are sounding progressively more and more like threats.

PREVIOUSLY ON THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER: An actually, genuinely pretty good episode ended with Paddy McCorry choking out Mark Hulme and sending us to the semifinals.

I wonder how the format of the show will change now that we've already been introduced to everyone. Will we focus on actual fight prep more, will we dig into a back catalog of home video they've been holding back, or will it just be way more footage of sweaty people punching heavy bags?

Oh, no, we're opening on Dana White instead. I should've guessed.

Did you hear that this is the Most International Group of Fighters We've Ever Had on The Ultimate Fighter? Because it is! Dana reintroduces the bracket in case you missed last week, because it cannot be safely assumed anyone watches the show, and then we're off to the TUF house to watch Giannis Bachar cook Greek food for everybody. And, boy, it's kind of the show in a nutshell. There's almost a neat point in Giannis talking about his history doing family cooking, and there's almost a neat point in everyone sitting down to have an inter-team meal together, but nothing of particular depth happens: Giannis doesn't elaborate, four different people say 'oh, that was delicious' and 'eating with everyone was nice' and then we move on. At least the food looked good.

But nothing can stop the training footage. Omran Chaaban is preparing for Ryan Loder and all the b-roll is slow motion boxing and kickboxing but Alexa Grasso says his goal is to win by submission. The striking coach wants him to work the rear uppercut but he seems more interested in the overhand-to-double-leg approach. They are all understandably expecting Loder to focus on wrestling, and Omran is certain Loder will gas in the second round. But of course, he is also better everywhere, so no matter what happens, he will win.

TUF house! Because even prisoners have some rights, semifinalists are entitled to one ("1") video conference call back home to their friends and family. Ryan Loder's family asks him how he has been dealing with having no television, books, phone or other entertainment, and his answer is "It's fine," because that is how we are rolling this year. His dad (I assume) is the fight nerd who wants to talk about his other fights, his mom wants to know if he's socializing and making friends, basically no one else on the call says anything except that they believe in him and miss him. This is the first time I have ever felt that my writing could be easily replaced by AI and I am quietly having an existential crisis that is in no way related to watching a functional, healthy family unit.

Ryan Loder fight prep. He is kickboxing in a sweatsuit, Valentina Shevchenko is worried about running out his gas tank too quickly and wants him to focus on giving himself necessary distance when he needs a breather. Loder thinks Omran's takedown defense is bad, but he's very good at quickly getting up and snatching chokes and he wants to make sure Omran can't get into an advantageous position. Loder does not think he is better everywhere, he is going to take him down and submit him, and if that's not happening, there's a problem.

It's Omran's turn to phone home, and the contrast is hilarious. Where Loder's entire family was assembled into a room like a teleconference, Omran just has his older brother Ali, who is visibly facetiming him from the front seat of his car. The conversation feels quite a bit more natural, which is admittedly easier to do when you're just having a one-on-one chat, and Ali is especially excited about Omran getting to talk to Dana White, which angers me, because it means the 20-year plan worked.

Edwin Cooper Jr. has asked Omran to teach him how to perform Salah, which leads to a briefly pleasant moment of international exchange. Ryan Loder, in voiceover, talks about how nice it is to have an environment where everyone gets to share and respect international traditions, which for some reason leads into Ryan Loder, in-scene, talking about how nice it is to have an environment where everyone gets to share and respect international traditions.

Weigh-ins! Ryan Loder is on point but Omran is just a touch too heavy, so they bring out The Box so he can safely strip.

His shorts weighed just enough to qualify. Thank you, The Box.

Fight day! No one gets music walking from the cars to the locker rooms this time, and the show commits the greatest of sins: It's re-using its own entrance tracks. After eight weeks lyricswatch is over, and I am heartbroken.

MIDDLEWEIGHT: Omran Chaaban (Team Grasso, 6-1) vs Ryan Loder (Team Shevchenko, 6-1)

I appreciate this fight record mirroring. Same size, same experience, the only real separation is two and a half inches of reach and 9 less years of age on Chaaban's side. We're in the semifinals, so now we have three rounds and a fourth sudden victory round in case of a draw. Also there's like 22 minutes left in this episode, so I get the sense this fight will take awhile.

ROUND ONE

Both men try to take the center of the cage, but Loder gets the slightly better position. He's feinting the takedown and Chabaan is already trying to frame a right hand or a knee for when he inevitably shoots. It's almost a minute in before the first strikes are thrown, but it's slapping body kicks from Loder and slightly off-target straights from Chaaban. Loder is quietly using Omran's focus on the counterpunch to footwork him back into the fence, but to his credit, when Omran realizes how far back he's gotten he pushes forward behind his hands. That said, the first round is half over and the only things that have really landed are a few body kicks. As if hearing my complaint, Omran overextends and gets cracked on the way back by a right hook. Ryan's still sneaking in body kicks and the rare jab, and while they're not doing much, they are scoring, while Omran just keeps hunting for the big right hand. With a minute left Omran is finally stuck against the fence, and Loder successfully shoots and hurls him to the ground. Omran stays on his hip and refuses to let Loder get into a good position, but he ends the round eating a series of painful-looking punches and elbows to the ribs.

Pretty easy 10-9 for Loder. He was winning the striking exchange even if not by a particularly impressive margin, but the takedown sealed it. Grasso's corner warns Omran that Ryan's going to wait until the end of the round to shoot; hilariously, Ryan's corner tells him to be less conservative on the wrestling and shoot early.

ROUND TWO

Omran immediately comes out with more aggression, swinging headkicks and charging forward on punches, but it leaves him off-balance and lets Ryan trip him. He gets back to his feet, but he eats two good shots to the face in the process, and Ryan has him back on the cage quickly. Omran works elbows, forearms and knees to stay busy while Ryan focuses on underhooks, but he can't get Omran off his feet. A little over a minute into the round Omran suddenly abandons underhooks and grabs the Thai plum in an attempt to keep Ryan from focusing on the takedown. On one hand, this works! On the other, within half a second Loder immediately switches to pulverizing his body over and over with hooks, and after a half-dozen shots to both sides and a sneaky uppercut on the chin Chaaban quickly disengages and looks very unhappy. They make it back to the center of the cage and both men are breathing hard and looking for long straights. After a brief break Omran is back to trying to sneak in headkicks, but he can't get them past Ryan's arms, and once again he winds up on the cage, and once again, he gets taken down. He makes it back to his feet and tries a counter-throw, but Ryan hooks the arm and defends with a whizzer; Omran tries to switch to a guillotine but Ryan spins around him and brings him right back down. With a minute and a half left they're still fighting over back control, and it ends with Ryan pinning him on his hands and knees against the fence and dropping the occasional punch upside his head as they gradually get back to their feet. Omran defends a takedown with a fence grab, gets admonished, and the round ends with Loder landing knees while Omran frustratedly hammerfists him on the thigh.

Also not a tough round to score at 10-9 Loder. Valentina assures her fighter he's up 2 but cautions him about giving Omran enough distance to throw long punches. Grasso tells Omran not to go for the neck, and in another of those editing-to-make-someone-look-stupid moments, she advises Omran that Loder's about to go for big risks and strike more, at which point we cut to Loder's corner telling him to level change on the striking and just take him down over and over.

ROUND THREE

Omran's trunks have gradually rolled up and he looks like he's doing the Junior Albini diaper thing. Loder forces him back with head and body kicks, Omran tries to come back and force Loder back to the fence with calf kicks, and we just sort of go Muay Thai for a minute as both men tee off with body kicks and very little else. A minute in Loder catches Omran with a lunging jab that visibly stuns him, but he doesn't charge in. Omran's throwing more volume with the hands, but very little is landing. The calf kick, however, scores every single time. Loder lands another body kick and Omran maintains his poker face, but he also very quickly scoots back to the cage and is forced to punch his way forward again. He's buzzing Loder with hooks, and when Loder finally level changes for a takedown Omran sees it and shoves him off easily. With two minutes left, Omran comes forward behind another calf kick but almost gets caught with a knee to the head and has to once again abort the attack. Ninety seconds to go and Omran's winning the round, but nothing he's doing has Loder in enough danger to lose the fight, and every time he tries to sting together an attack he throws the same selection of hooks and gets picked off two punches in with a jab. Thirty seconds left, Omran's corner is asking him for more and he's trying to blitz, but he can't quite make it happen--except he almost does! With six seconds left Omran clips Loder across the back of the head with a straight that drops him to his knees, and he rushes in with a flying knee looking for the knockout, but not only does he not get it, Loder blasts him back with a right hook and the bell rings a second and a half later.

10-9 Chabaan. For a moment after the fight ends Loder comes in for an embrace and it looks like Chabaan is about to keep going, but he's still just extremely hyped up, which leads him to yell and give Loder a Wesley Willis headbutt of affection.

Great effort at the end, but the decision here is not a mystery, and you know it because only one man is wearing a big, gaudy flag. Ryan Loder wins by unanimous decision. Omran claps, the men make peace, and all is well. In post-fight commentary we get a lot of Ryan countering Omran's right hands with jabs, which is very pretty. Dana, of course, ignores all of this and characterizes the fight as Ryan overpowering him with wrestling and taking a strategic, risk-free third round, and he persistently makes this face while doing so.

I'm sorry your boxing company never worked out, buddy.

Happy locker room! Sad locker room. Loder is happy and patriotic, Omran is disappointed and wanted a finish, some people yell "USA" in an empty room and there's no better way to stop watching an episode of this show.

NEXT TIME ON THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER: Our first Featherweight semifinal, with Kaan Ofli vs Roedie Roets. Dana White calls this a match between two of the best grapplers in the world, which is, I suppose, technically true. WNBA all-star Kelsey Plum leads the seasonally obligatory coach competition, which appears to be a free-throw contest.