CARL REVIEWS: THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER 32, EPISODE 3

On misleading editing and beautiful mullets.

EPISODE 3: FLY THE FLAG

Boy, the immediate sense of fear I felt seeing that title.

PREVIOUSLY ON THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER: The matchup between Omran Chaaban and Shamidkhan Magomedov was delayed thanks to a cold sore, we learned an educational lesson about ancient Nordic magic, Valentina continued to contribute to the global dehydration crisis and Team Grasso's Robert Valentin knocked out Team Shevchenko's Giannis Bachar in about fifteen seconds.

CURRENT STANDINGS: GRASSO 1, SHEVCHENKO 1

We pop directly into the TUF house, where Robert is in the middle of demonstrating jiu-jitsu techniques on the living room carpet only to be interrupted by Giannis announcing that he will kill him as revenge for knocking him out in what is one of those masculine I-am-joking-to-cover-up-the-pain moments the rest of the house finds particularly awkward. One quick cut later Giannis is crying in the kitchen over the disappointment of not only getting knocked out for the first time in his career but in the most important fight of his career, and there's a moment of awkwardness as Valentin looks uncertain about if he should attempt to comfort him or leave him alone, but Giannis assures him there's no bad blood and the two embrace.

I am immediately angry not just that we get better sportsmanship lessons on the shitty reality show no one watches than in the UFC itself, but that they clearly don't want it here either, as last week's teaser was cut to look like Giannis was going to fight Valentin in the house when the actual drama consists of large and occasionally shirtless men hugging each other and being emotionally supportive.

But now, we switch to this week's narrative. Team Grasso's Kaan Ofli recounts a difficult youth as a homeless child living out of his car with his mother and sister in Australia, and having established this narrative, we immediately discard it and switch to home video where Kaan lives in a nice house in Bali with his wife where he relocated to work as a jiu-jitsu coach. He was apparently a hair's breadth away from joining the military as a teenager but his coach talked him into devoting himself to punching people instead, which has led him down the road to happiness and self-actualization. Boy, there are a lot more emotional support structures than there used to be in this sport.

Team Shevchenko's Nathan Fletcher and his terrible hair are up next. I have to note, once again, that the difference between the way the coaches are presented is wild. When Team Grasso fighters get introduced, Alexa is rarely in the recaps at all, and when she does appear, she's typically off to the side offering some advice. Every Shevchenko fighter thus far is immediately sparring with her in full gear and Valentina gives the camera a straight-up monologue about their strengths and weaknesses. I cannot help wondering if this will actually make a difference in the longterm.

Fletcher, like every responsible British fighter, gets a bunch of video showcasing his various submissions in Cage Warriors, but the show elects not to show his home video or personal story yet because they have a deep disrespect for my format. He opines about his love of exciting violence and his constant pushing for knockouts, and I must note for the record that he has one knockout, one decision and six submissions, so wolf tickets are being sold.

Also, just to be clear:

I don't know when this became the default hair for British fighters, but I hate it. Anything would be better.

Finally, we go to home video of Nathan Fletcher's life in Liverpool, and I have to immediately eat my words because this is the first thing we see:

I'm sorry. I was wrong. Keep doing what you're doing.

Nathan considers himself the extremely ordinary British story: Working-class family, hard-working upbringing, a girlfriend he loves who believes in him whom he vows to marry once he succeeds. He is, of course, a training partner of Paddy Pimblett, and it is hilarious that despite multiple British people appearing in this video with the assumption the audience is fine with their British accents, the second Paddy starts talking they roll out the subtitles because they know no one can speak that level of Scouse.

But once again, we have a stable, wholesome origin story. I have to say, this is by far the wildest part of watching this. It's very easy to mark the evolution of mixed martial arts by watching the techniques and the quality of the fighters and the production of the sport, but it's harder to chart the acceptance of it. We're only twenty years removed from seasons of TUF where the majority of fighter backstories revolved around enormous emotional damage and childhood trauma because that made up the majority of the people who had the right kind of brain problems to fight in MMA, and now it's enough of a Normal Thing To Do that the broken-home stories are the exception rather than the rule. No wonder they can't sell this show.

Training b-roll ensues. Hey, Alexa Grasso's holding pads! That's a start. Kaan thinks his top game and his submission attacks will make the difference for him, as he and Alexa both think Fletcher will try to focus on backpacking and going for the rear naked choke. Which is a safe bet, as that's how he's won most of his fights.

Weigh-ins happen again, and again, it takes forty-five seconds and goes off without a hitch. I am left wondering if these segments are here just so people don't ask if they didn't weigh in, like putting paper streamers on air conditioning units in movies. Dana White chimes in to talk about the fight. Shockingly, he thinks it'll be fun and that you should definitely watch it.

We have arrived at fight day. As the fighters walk in and talk about making their countries proud and how they will assuredly win I am left barely able to focus because the real highlight of my week is about to happen, and this time they don't make me wait. Instead of faux-buttrock, we have faux-rap.

(are you ready? let's go!)
great (great) ness (yeah)
i just got the feeling that i made it
(i made it! i made it!)
you're looking at a hero in the making
(the making!)

locked in the cage, but i'm about to break out (break)

Honestly? Disappointing. Low effort. 2/10. They think so, too, because they transition to a different fake song about rising up and standing up during the walk to the cage, but sorry, TUF, you only get one lyrics segment per week and you already made your choice.

FEATHERWEIGHT: Kaan Ofli (11-2-1, Team Grasso) vs Nathan Fletcher (8-1, Team Shevchenko)

Reach is the biggest differentiator, here. Fletcher's only two inches taller than Ofli, but he's got half a foot of range on him. Will this play into things? We've got a full 17 minutes before the episode ends this time, so honestly, probably not.

ROUND ONE

Both men shuffle and trade jabs and leg kicks, but Ofli begins to land with right hands first and Fletcher begins backpedaling into the cage to get away from them. Ofli makes him pay for the distance with a couple solid calf kicks, and when Fletcher tries to defend them, Ofli shoots a double and winds up slamming Fletcher onto his back. Fletcher quickly gets back to full guard, but Ofli was right about his top game; he's landing solid elbows and hammerfists while Fletcher tries to get to better positions, though no one has scored a particularly damaging blow yet. With two minutes left, Ofli slides into full mount and Fletcher gives up his back, but Ofli can't get palm-to-palm on a rear naked choke and has to settle for landing punches and trying to bait Fletcher into an arm triangle. Fletcher's doing a good job of continually rolling between the back and mount to keep Ofli from really posturing up, he eventually gets half-guard back and with thirty seconds left he makes it up to his feet. This does not work out fantastically for him, as he instead ends the round eating a pair of clinch knees and elbows.

No doubts about who won that round. Valentina tells Fletcher he absolutely has to win the second round; she and the unnamed assistant coach tell him to work his hands and knees whenever he has the opportunity, as he needs to keep Ofli from taking him down. Once again, Grasso is not in the cage in her fighter's corner, but fuckin' Diego Lopes is, so that's pretty ideal. They advise Ofli to keep doing what he's doing, but to set up his takedowns with more feints since Fletcher will be expecting them now.

ROUND TWO

Fletcher is trying to make good on his corner's advice by throwing punches and leg kicks right off the bat, but his own movement gives up the center of the cage and once again within twenty seconds Ofli has him cornered against the fence. The double-leg is academic, and Ofli has Fletcher on the floor within a minute. Fletcher is desperate not to give up position, and Ofli briefly takes his back and gets both hooks in, but Fletcher bucks away before he can lock down his neck and they wind up right back on their feet. Fletcher is pursuing aggressively now--for about five seconds, and then, once again, he walks right back to the fence and Ofli double-legs him. Fletcher, to his credit, keeps looking for switches and defensive elbows, and he suddenly tucks his head, hits a gorgeous granby roll off the ground and comes up behind Ofli in what is admittedly slick as hell. As predicted he immediately tries to backpack Ofli, but Ofli manages to push him off. This time, Fletcher doesn't stop pursuing Ofli and actually punches him back to the fence, but he makes the lamentable choice of shooting his own takedown, and Ofli spins him around and starts kneeing him in the head. Ofli overcommits on an attempt at a d'arce and Fletcher finally puts him on his back, and with ninety seconds left, it's finally Fletcher's turn to work. He aggressively goes for the backpack, after a couple turns he gets it, and for a brief moment he almost has a rear naked choke locked in--but Ofli shakes him off, spins him around and puts him right back on the mat. Referee Herb Dean almost immediately tells Ofli to work or he'll stand him up, because he is a fucking philistine. Fletcher is trying to find a way out, but Ofli is on top of him and refusing to give him even an inch of space, and he eats punches to the side of the head until finally managing to squirm back to his feet just as the round ends.

Shevchenko immediately tells Fletcher to get ready for another round, but it's a false hope, and Fletcher's face shows he knows it. Moments later, Herb Dean announces the inevitable: Kaan Ofli wins by Decision. He walks with the Australian flag over his shoulders, and somewhere, someone in Bali feels very disappointed. Valentina opines about Fletcher simply not getting started fast enough, Dana White breaks down the fight, admits Kaan beat Nathan and says he's looking forward to seeing him in the semifinals, but he's using the tone of voice you use to describe going to a sibling's choir performance and he's making the face of a man who really just wants more British fighters to win:

Back in the locker rooms Kaan is happy and celebrating if slightly worried about having possibly damaged his hands punching Fletcher in the head, while Fletcher is heartbroken and puts his shirt over his head so the camera doesn't get too much footage of him crying. Don't worry, buddy. They're gonna book you again.

Next week, we get the second attempt at Omran Chabaan vs Shamidkhan Magomedov. Dana White says they're both badasses and the fight will be great, and I really want there to be just one fight this season he says will probably be technical and boring. Just one.

NEXT TIME ON THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER: Robert Valentin becomes an assistant coach for Team Grasso and the aforementioned fight. That's it, that's the entire teaser. I feel like even the production team is running out of steam and we're only 3/10 into the season. God help us all.