CARL REVIEWS: THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER 32, EPISODE 2

Our catchup is complete.

EPISODE 2: VICTORY OR VALHALLA

I just want to be clear, based on my history of giving things silly titles, that for purposes of this series I am just using the episode titles the UFC has chosen. I would not dare lie to you by interfering with the UFC's chosen branding. If they want to name an episode of this show VICTORY OR VALHALLA, then by god, that's what we're going to do.

PREVIOUSLY ON THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER: People got here. Teams were chosen. Almost no one was introduced. A fight happened with a small amount of wrestling and Team Shevchenko's Roedie Roets eliminated Team Grasso's Guillermo Santos. We were promised that at some point this season, Valentina Shevchenko will shoot an inanimate object.

We open back in the TUF house, where Omran Chaaban and Shamidkhan Magomedov are performing salah together, as the only two observing Muslims in the house. Apparently they've bonded over this, which sure would have been nice to know ahead of time. Magomedov expresses regrets about fighting Chaaban and Chaaban remarks on how nonsensical it is to be living in a house with someone he is going to have to attempt to punch in the face.

And it's fight day already. I swear, this is the episode clock when the FIGHT DAY graphic appears:

We almost had character development there for a second! Almost! For forty-five seconds, we were briefly getting to know the two featured fighters for the week and learning about their struggles within the house! But god dammit, it is fight day.

While walking into the building, Chaaban talks about Magomedov's wrestling-heavy techniques and gameplans out forcing Magomedov to tire himself out applying pressure. Magomedov talks instead about himself and essentially confirms Chaaban's read entirely, having planned to get in Omran's face and deny him distance at all costs.

And I'm talking in the past tense because, suddenly, an old white man is here to ruin everything.

Jeff Mullen, director of the Nevada State Athletic Commission, is in the Team Grasso locker room to pull Grasso and Omran aside. Inexplicably, even though it is already plainly obvious what's going on, Dana White drops in as the eternal god-narrator of the show to explain that fighter medicals are obligatory, everyone has to do them, and Omran has an open cold sore on his lip, which means the NSAC will not allow him to fight for sake of transmission concerns. The coaches and fighters commiserate, everyone is mildly disappointed, and the fight is tentatively rescheduled for next week pending Omran's lip closing up.

Not only is our first drama of the season Herpes Simplex-shaped, but in a flashback, it turns out this happened last season, too. Two straight years of Ultimate Fighter cold sore cancellations. God bless us, everyone.

This week still needs a fight and it still has to be Middleweight, so our replacement is Team Grasso's #3 pick, Robert Valentin of Switzerland, vs Team Shevchenko's #16 pick, Giannis Bachar of Greece. We have, as of yet, spent zero seconds getting to know either of these men.

And we don't have time for any of that shit, because we have to watch training b-roll. Valentina is in headgear, gloves and shinguards actively sparring with her team. Valentina is also seen talking to Giannis as he dares to drink a bottle of water during a break in training, which makes me wonder if, between episodes, someone at the TUF legal team asked her not to potentially open them up to liability by dehydrating her professional athletes on international television.

But apparently not, because back at the house the fighters bond over their mutual trauma at Valentina's training methods, with Roedie recounting a story of trying to crawl off the mat for a water break only to have Valentina grab him by the ankle and drag him back in. They all describe the gym as akin to a military academy, which is, of course, a good thing that makes you tough, and not an exploitative thing with decades of science proving it is insane.

This leads directly into our first look at the Grasso camp for the week, which begins with Robert Valentin punching a speedbag at a clip of roughly one strike every three seconds.

Grasso's team management style appears to be much more hands-off. She's not strapped up, she's not sparring, she is watching and advising and having her assistant coaches handle the real training and gameplanning. Given the history of TUF coaches like Quinton "Just Get Up" Jackson and Ken "You Should Only Eat Steak" Shamrock, this is probably wise! But it sure does make the format of the show seem pretty fucking lopsided. We get a hype package for Valentin showing multiple blood-soaked regional fights and hyping up his dedication to performing acts of violence as a tribute to the old Nordic gods.

Which is funny, given that his stated gameplan centers around putting Giannis on the cage and trying to outclinch him. Violence!

Back in the Shevchenko camp, Valentina is giving Giannis advice about maintaining distance and dragging Robert into deep waters. Robert is a big, 6'2" fighter who cuts a lot of weight, while Giannis, Valentina says, is a mere 6'1" fighter who doesn't cut weight at all, so he'll be able to tire Robert out easily. I am becoming increasingly convinced Valentina Shevchenko does not know how water works.

Our Giannis Bachar hype package includes a focus on defensive wrestling, check hooks and some awkward brawling in Cage Warriors. His family supports him in chasing his dream and he does not want to let them down. We are two episodes in and we are already repeating backstories.

B-roll ensues. Way, way back in the early internet days, I remember reading the wrestling show reviews of one Christopher Robin Zimmerman, better known as CRZ, and whether he was reviewing WWF Raw or WCW Nitro, the phrase "(wrestler's name) is WALKING" would get printed at least a dozen times per episode, and I understand now, because "b-roll ensues" would fit into essentially every single paragraph break in this entire write-up.

Back at the TUF house, Robert Valentin has moved his mattress, blanket and pillow into the back yard because sleeping outside is better for your recovery. Several fighters say 'boy, that's weird,' and then we return to Valentin discussing Nordic paganism and the Old Gods and his collection of Elder Futhark rune tattoos. The show focuses primarily on the Othala rune and Valentin's appreciation for it as a connection to his people and heritage, which is a little awkward, because that's the same reason it is one of the most common Nazi and Neo-Nazi symbols in the world. Thanks, assholes.

After Valentin is done discussing his dark Nordic magic, Giannis sits in his room looking at photographs of his wife and children, and we cut to his home video in Athens, where his wife and his adorable children live the suburban Greek life inbetween bouts of Giannis making money by physically harming people. I do, genuinely, appreciate the attempt to draw some actual character distinction here between Weird Swiss Cosplay Viking Who Believes In Sorcery and Mildly Irritated Greek Man Who Misses His Kids. We only get a couple minutes of it, but god dammit, man, it's something.

Halfway through the episode, Team Shevchenko goes on a field trip to ADRENALINE MOUNTAIN, because she believes in the power of the energy of nature. ADRENALINE MOUNTAIN, as near as I can tell, is just some hills in the Mojave Desert. We see the fighters shadowbox in a parking lot while holding rocks in their hands, and then they shadowbox on a hiking trail which appears to be roughly ten feet away from the parking lot, and then they jog lightly on the trail leading away from the parking lot, and then they jog back to the parking lot. Everyone is very effusive about how meaningful this was. I wish they had a television.

On the eve of the fight, Robert Valentin discusses how fighting is the only thing that matters in his life, as he has no family or job and relies on fighting to keep him from feeling cripplingly depressed. To cope with this, he got a bellybutton tattoo from the anime Naruto that is designed to keep demons sealed away, and I am now completely convinced he will win this entire season. I love the world fighters inhabit. There isn't a lick of irony in that sentence. The ability to exist in a constant state of half-metaphor, where everything is only as real as you want it to be, is as magical as it is aggressively silly. Valentin opines about his parents divorcing when he was a child, and how fighting was the only way to deal with his anger about it, which is why now he lives in Phuket and does martial arts. Sometimes I think freely available and encouraged therapy would end combat sports overnight.

Weigh-ins happen. Everyone is on weight and we are prepared for battle and this time Jeff Mullen cannot stand in our way, but first we have to go back to the TUF house one more time so Giannis and Robert can stand in the kitchen and reiterate for the fifth time this episode that living with your opponent is weird and they're both going to win. That cutaway was intensely necessary.

To my intense disappointment, we don't get any further rock lyrics as the fighters make their way into the Apex this time. I was really looking forward to that being a recurring segment, but we blew the STEMM budget in the season premiere, so now all we've got are stock instrumentals. Both fighters are here, both coaches are here, and as the fighters make their way out I notice there's only eight minutes left in the episode, so at the very least, this one will be quick.

MIDDLEWEI--

I WAS A FOOL TO DOUBT. In the very last moment before we cut to the fight, my beloved shitty singer suddenly rides to our rescue to accompany both men to the cage with dulcet background vocals:

things 'bout to get heated
you know i won't be defeated
things 'bout to get heated
you know i won't be defeated
COME ON AND WATCH ME RISE
(i'm gonna be the last man standing)

step into the ring, let the chaos begin
i got you in my sights, got you locked in

i'm gonna be the last man standing
i'ma get the respect i'm demanding
i'm gonna be the last man standing

i'll be the last man standing

This entire episode is justified now.

MIDDLEWEIGHT: Robert Valentin (10-3, Team Grasso) vs Giannis Bachar (9-2, Team Shevchenko)

Valentin has a 7" reach advantage, but Giannis has kids, so it really comes out in the wash. When the fight actually begins the episode clock is at 39:09 out of 45:59, so you know what's about to happen.

ROUND ONE

Both men touch gloves, Giannis footworks Robert back into the fence, and 13 seconds in Robert clocks Giannis with a standing elbow that knocks him completely limp. Robert drops a couple punches on his corpse just to make sure, then walks around the cage yelling ODIN really loudly.

Robert Valentin wins by TKO. Dana White says Robert is a huge badass and he desperately wants to see him fight again. Robert yells Odin another couple of times to make sure you have fully absorbed his gimmick.

In the locker room, Robert yells about KOing the striker, then pulls a Jamie Varner and imitates Bachar's lifeless flop to the mat. Omran Chaaban looks less than impressed. Giannis is quietly upset, and tells the confessional he was expecting kicks and grappling, and had not worried about his hands. This seems like a pretty poor idea for a fighting strategy, and loving your children is, thus far, 0-2 on The Ultimate Fighter 32.

As always, we end with next week's fight announcement. We're back in the Featherweight division and back under Alexa's control, and she sets their #5 pick Kaan Ofli against Shevchenko's #10 pick, Nathan Fletcher. Dana White promises you that it will be an action-packed fight with a nearly guaranteed finish. Do not ever listen to the man or his lies.

NEXT TIME ON THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER: Giannis is sad and we have a fight. This is 100% of the preview stinger. Eight more to go, folks.