CARL REVIEWS: THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER 34, EPISODE 11

We're so, so very close to the end.

EPISODE 11: FRIENDLY FIRE

You might think this is about the Grasso/Grasso battle tonight, but it's actually just a value judgment about how it's good to burn things.

PREVIOUSLY ON THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER: A bunch of men laughed at women playing a sport they don't play and Kaan Ofli choked out Roedie Roets in half a minute.

I'll say this: The show's blatant attempt to make Robert Valentin its protagonist does have me slightly more invested than normal. We start with Nathan Fletcher getting checked out by Doctor Spin In Your Chair for persistent leg pain that's left him limping on his left side. In what feels like a remarkably cruel allowance for reality television pacing, the doctor asks him about symptoms and pokes and prods at his leg while hemming and hawing before abruptly producing the results of the previous week's x-ray, which he was apparently aware of the entire time. Fletcher's fibula is, in fact, completely fractured courtesy of a Kaan Ofli calf kick. Eight weeks, no contact, but respect from Dana White for being tough, which we all know to be worth its weight in gold.

Back at the house Robert is doing the best he can to be his boisterous big-personality self for the cameras, including staring down the front door camera while kung-fu posing for an uninterrupted twenty seconds, but things are a little muted thanks to his fight-week weight cut and his looking like a skeleton.

Robert and Paddy both feel weird about being in the TUF house but feel it is making them stronger. But we cut away from that, because now it's time for our Zygimantas Ramaska health update. The Nevada State Athletic Commission is uncertain about letting someone with a skull fracture continue on to the semifinals, so the show needs alternates just in case Ramaska is ruled out. Thanks to everyone else being injured, Team Shevchenko puts Edwin Cooper Jr. back in and Team Grasso nominates Guillermo Torres. Zygi is, unsurprisingly, displeased and would much rather fight. We transition directly from this into Valentina giving Edwin shit after finding him relaxing after skipping training. I always wonder about how selectively edited these things are.

Robert and Paddy are dealing with the inherent oddity of training on the same team while also separating to prepare to explicitly murder one another. Paddy has many thoughts about his discomfort fighting a friend; we have yet to hear from Robert on the topic. Paddy wants to jab, feint and break Robert down with calf kicks, and when Robert pushes into the clinch to avoid more striking, choke him out just like he did to Mark Hulme.

But enough of that shit, it's time for Team Grasso to play golf. They're out at the Top Golf driving range with tacos, wings and sliders, which seems like a cruel enough thing to do to people cutting weight that I secretly hope it was filmed at some other time and awkwardly edited in here instead. Paddy is seemingly the only member of the team who knows how a golf swing works, no one is having a great time, and voiceover from the various fighters seems to be on the nonplussed-at-best side as to why they are doing this.

Which transitions directly into Valentina taking her team to an outdoor shooting range, because it wouldn't be a Valentina Shevchenko media play without guns getting involved. It's pistols and loudly-pinging tin targets and varying levels of enthusiasm and capability. Zygimantas Ramaska: Trained professional. Nathan Fletcher: Enthusiastic first-timer. But this is, of course, basically just an excuse for Valentina to run around shooting stuff in slow motion while everyone talks about how cool she is.

Team Grasso gets to deal with the news that Zygi might not fight. Guillermo is enthusiastic about possibly getting back in the cage; Mairon, who is dutifully riding an exercise bike the entire time, is visibly displeased about having to prepare for three different theoretical opponents.

And that's all we get, because it's time for Robert's focus. He says his advantage is his experience and his "aggressivity" and I get Ultimate Warrior flashbacks. Robert wants this fight on the ground, and most specifically, he wants to work ground and pound from the top; if he is striking, he's losing. He very pointedly does not have a single soundbite about the awkwardness or difficulty of fighting a friend. Instead, he stays on message: Every opponent is an enemy, I am very entertaining, please vote for me in the coming election.

At the house, despite the team boundary, Paddy wants Nathan in his corner thanks to their pre-show friendship and his advice as a striker. Paddy talks to his girlfriend in Videochat Jail and tries to get his dog's attention, but dogs do not understand photon transfer. In one of those uniquely American moments, his girlfriend calls him out for still cursing up a storm--all of which has been broadcast uncensored across the season, as this is an internet show--and he follows up by noting that he has forced himself not to say "cunt," which is censored. God bless my country.

Robert is in the teleconference cell next, there is a large, yelling shirtless man in the video, and before we can even be introduced Robert immediately breaks down in tears. Apparently this is one of his best friends from back home, and he is very, very excited for Robert's success. What follows is one of the most wholesome masculine pair-bonding friendship moments on the show, as the entire call is essentially both men alternating between crying, yelling only semi-coherent words of support, and using the word "bro" at least three times per paragraph. Honestly, after all his character work through the season thus far, it's the most relatable and likable Robert has been.

Weigh-ins! Nothing happens. Robert and Paddy talk much more comfortably in the backyard the night before the fight, aided in part by the skull-sized water bottles they are using to finally rehydrate.

Paddy again opines about how well he's gotten along with Robert and how close he feels to him; Robert finally talks about wanting to stay friends with Paddy for the rest of his life, but transitions into the need to brutally destroy him. He says "victory or valhalla" again, but we already used that episode title, motherfucker. It is fight day, Paddy has his flatcap, and we have eight minutes left, so make of that what you will.

MIDDLEWEIGHT: Robert Valentin (10-3 (1), Team Grasso) vs Paddy McCorry (4-1, Team Grasso)

Experience is obviously on Robert's side, and so is a 4" reach advantage and an exponential amount of camera time.

ROUND ONE

Robert immediately tries to take the center of the cage behind a big right hand, but Paddy tags him in return and lands his first calf kick. Paddy's trying to keep his distance and work kicks, but he's repeatedly giving up space and winding up with his back to the fence. Robert finally breaks the feeling-out process ninety seconds into the fight by going for a few big shots, but Paddy slips them and lands a right hook. Robert is, in fact, getting cracked with counters on most of his blitzes. Halfway through the round both men are back to being wary about overextending themselves, so we have a battle of probing kicks from range instead, which is mildly more successful for Paddy. With two minutes left, Robert decides to go for broke and sling a series of wild hooks after backing Paddy to the fence, and despite getting hit by one, Paddy once again slips out and lands a pair of lefts that have Robert shaken and covering up. Robert launches into a desperation shot, and he can't get Paddy down, but he does buy himself time to clinch up and recover, and with ninety seconds left he hits a huge head-and-arm throw to get Paddy on his back. While Paddy is busy trying to dislodge his neck so he can wiggle free he doesn't notice Robert snagging his left arm in a leg scissor, and within seconds Robert's hitting an Americana with his shins and Paddy is tapping.

Robert Valentin wins by submission. Never one to forget the gimmick, he is pacing around the cage screaming Odin at the top of his lungs instantaneously. Paddy's boxing technique was actually pretty impressive, but unfortunately, jits is jits. Both men embrace several times after the fight and are visibly relieved it is over. Robert is a believer in achieving his destiny; Paddy is certain his time will still come, but is heartbroken this isn't it. In the duality of Robert Valentin, he comforts Paddy in the locker room and tells him how great he is, but also tells him he was too overzealous, which is pretty funny when he got blitz-countered a half-dozen times and punched loopy. Either way, it's Robert Valentin vs Ryan Loder in the finals.

There's only one fight left, and it's Mairon Santos vs either Zygimantas Ramaska, Edwin Cooper Jr., or Guillermo Torres. They will leave us in suspense until next week.

NEXT TIME ON THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER: We find out who will fight for the Featherweight final, Mairon has a difficult weight cut, and at last, at last, I will finally be free.