CARL REVIEWS: THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER 32, EPISODE 8

Just late enough to make me mad, the show gets good.

EPISODE 8: WORLD CLASS KILLER INSTINCT

For the record, I mained Jago like the loser I was.

PREVIOUSLY ON THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER: Edwin Cooper Jr. and Mairon Santos had the closest fight of the season and Santos ultimately won, setting the stage for the final first-round fight.

CURRENT STANDINGS: GRASSO 4, SHEVCHENKO 3

We're eight out of ten episodes through this season and we no longer have even a moment to waste on anything but b-roll, which propels us directly into Team Shevchenko's corner and Mark Hulme's fight preparation. Mark speedbags a heavy bag while Valentina talks about his power and grappling advantages, and jesus, we really are rolling right into it this week, as before we even hit one minute into the episode we're watching Mark Hulme's highlight reel. We get footage of Hulme wrestling people and throwing on power guillotines as he discusses his grappling-focused style, and the show doesn't take the time to reflect on this, but I do some research and see he's a Welterweight champion out of his native South Africa's Extreme Fighting Championship.

The show needs to move on to Hulme discussing opponent Paddy McCorry's 'non-existent' jiu-jitsu game and overfocus on striking, which Hulme says will make him easily control their fight. And then it's time to go on a helicopter tour.

That's right, we're three minutes in and we're already hitting last week's teaser. Apparently fellow ex-fighter Antonina Shevchenko is a professional pilot now, which is why Valentina wants to take her team on an entirely spontaneous helicopter tour of Vegas by night, which is most definitely not in any way influenced by the company and tourism grants. I'm not sure what's weirder: The repeated 'Valentina takes her fighters on a weird field trip' b-plot of this season, or the unspoken implication that Alexa Grasso, who does not seem to personally train or corner her fighters, is just sort of shrugging and getting through the day and winning the show anyhow.

We turn to Paddy back at the TUF house who, in his very first picture from his past, is posing with his grandfather, his kid brother, his Akuma Fighting Amateur Championship, and his fanciest LEGALIZE DIAZ t-shirt.

He misses his girlfriend and his dog, and that transitions us into the McCorry home video segment from good ol' Belfast. His dog is cute, his girlfriend is comfortable on the couch, and we devote an entire three minutes of the episode to discussing The Troubles, Bobby Sands and the generational trauma the conflict brought to Belfast, and, man, I'm not unhappy about it by any means, but it sure is weird that I've been complaining for this entire series about how the show constantly glosses over the social histories and backgrounds of all its fighters until the moment we stop in Ireland.

I wish they would have done this for everyone, but what can you do. Paddy's training partner and UFC veteran Rhys McKee says he's the man and he's going to be the TUF champion, and I feel momentarily bad because I remember Rhys is 0-4 in the UFC. I hope Paddy's luck is better.

Hilariously, we come back from the video package to Alexa Grasso quasi-apologizing to her team for not taking them out on fun aeronautical adventures, to which the entire team more or less responds that all of that shit seems silly and they'd rather just focus. Once again, Robert Valentin is speaking for basically the whole team, who are mostly background decoration. Paddy's training segment includes a lot of slow-motion roundhouse kicks. His highlight reel takes place almost entirely in Cage Warriors, features multiple flying knees, and in a rare moment of honesty discusses (but does not show) his one loss, which was, in fairness, a promotional malpractice case involving his 2-0 rookie ass fighting the 8-4-1 former champion of the company. Regional MMA: It's bad. This may shock you, but Alexa thinks he's good everywhere, moves well on the ground, and will win no matter what happens or where the fight goes, and so does Paddy. He gets emotional about being a good example for his little brother, and hopes to be a successful role model for him, in furtherance of this season's emotionally well-rounded family fighter story.

Back at the house, Hulme and Roedie Roets talk about Johannesburg and Hulme's history of exceptional misfortune involving having the same ankle repeatedly and inexplicably injured by things as normal as 'athletic injuries' to 'some asshole in a motorbike ran over me,' and the fine art of going broke paying medical bills. Hulme's lifetime turning point was a 900-mile walk from Johannesburg to Cape Town in an attempt to reach Table Mountain and meet God, which took fifty days and is documented in a series of admittedly pretty cool photographs of all the places he walked through and the roadside ditches he slept in. Why in the hell are we getting the high-effort fighter backstories now? This is Coppola compared to everything else we've had this season and it's the last goddamn regular episode! Hulme lives in Pretoria, he trains at CIT Boxing along with Dricus du Plessis, and he, too, will be the next Ultimate Fighter.

Weigh-ins happen. Hulme actually comes in half a pound below the Middleweight limit, and once again, Robert Valentin speaks for Team Grasso and says Paddy will knock Hulme out easily. Paddy tries to intimidate Hulme by getting in his face at weigh-ins and telling him NO MORE JOKES, IT'S REAL NOW, and Hulme's dead-eyed complete lack of care is matched in comedy only by the visible booger in his nose.

Back at the TUF house for the last time, Paddy and Robert talk about clinch escapes and visualize the way he will let Mark burn himself out trying takedowns and punish him with his title-drop world-class killer instinct once he's tired. Paddy concludes that it's in God's hands and reads a bible verse, and Robert compassionately does not destroy him for his disrespect to Odin, which is fortunate because it's fight day.

And god dammit, we even get a really cool time-lapse of the production crew building the Octagon inside the Apex!

Once again: Where the fuck has all of this been all season? It's not even like they have a ton of time to burn, we're about to start fight day and there's still twenty minutes left in the episode, so I cannot imagine they ever didn't have this level of fighter video or interview material or outright focus on the actual act of preparing for a fight in the can; why are we only getting it here, now, at the end of all things?

I could scream, but it's fight day, so there is only time to listen.

they'll be terrified
when they hear my name (i'm a bad man!)
taking over the world
'cause i'm the best in the game

fight for my people, man down
take a bow to the herd
show you what i'm made of, get loud
watch out, it's gonna burn

You even saved the best shitty music for this episode, too. Some deeply frustrated production intern got all their rage out right here at the end of the first round, and whoever you are, I see and appreciate you.

MIDDLEWEIGHT: Paddy McCorry (4-1, Team Grasso) vs Mark Hulme (12-3, Team Shevchenko)

McCorry's an inch bigger, but Hulme's got a 5" reach advantage and, obviously, three times as many fights under his belt. There's also just shy of fifteen minutes left in the episode when the fight starts, which seems just about right for two rounds, but not three.

ROUND ONE

Paddy tries to take the center of the cage and work his standup, but Mark catches the first kick he throws, cracks him upside the head, and has him on his back within the first ten seconds of the fight. Hulme gets into side control very quickly and back control from there, but McCorry is constantly moving and pushing himself back up to his feet. Hulme hangs onto his back while Robert reminds Paddy how strong he is and how Hulme is just tiring himself out, which is some level of comfort for the occasional knees to the ass Paddy is dealing with. Hulme tries to switch to a single and can't get it, but McCorry also can't shake him off his back, and when McCorry tries to open up with elbows Hulme drags him repeatedly back down to the mat and punishes him with punches. He can't quite get hooks in for full back control, and after another minute of work Paddy gets upright again: His reward is a knee to the face. Valentin continues to yell that Paddy's doing well and tiring Hulme out, and with two minutes left Paddy decides to test the theory by jumping a guillotine, which he can't quite get, but he does manage to roll Hulme over so he can switch to a power guillotine, and after a few seconds of struggling, Hulme taps out.

Paddy McCorry wins by submission. Thank you for finally faking me out on the time left:fight time comparison, television show. Paddy's post-fight celebration is miming smoking a gigantic blunt, and everyone in his corner is very happy about it.

For once, we get a fighter happy-crying in their locker room, as Paddy lets the emotions out while getting his gloves cut off. Mark is decidedly less pleased, has no excuses and praises Paddy for being the better fighter.

And just like that, the first round is finally, mercifully over, with a final score of 5 for Grasso and 3 for Shevchenko, which means someone's going to have to fight a teammate. Dana talks to both coaches and each of the remaining fighters about who they'd like to fight. Dana asks Roedie Roets who his easiest path to the finals is, and Roedie, who recognizes the question you're not supposed to answer honestly on the job application, says he's not here for easy, he's here to fight, and he wants whoever they think is the hardest challenge. Kaan Ofli and Mairon Santos, on the other hand, immediately pick Zygimantas Ramaska, whom they both think they will easily defeat. Zygi thinks his easiest fight is Mairon. Robert Valentin wants to fight Omran Chaaban, because he thinks he will violently butcher him; Omran thinks his easiest opponent is Ryan Loder, which is convenient, because Ryan thinks Omran would be his easy pick too. Paddy also wants to knock him out, because having defeated one wrestler, he wants to take out another. At the end of the day, the matchups are:

MIDDLEWEIGHT

• Ryan Loder vs Omran Chaaban

• Robert Valentin vs Paddy McCorry, our all-Grasso fight

FEATHERWEIGHT

• Roedie Roets vs Kaan Ofli

• Mairon Santos vs Zygimantas Ramaska

The stage is set and the end is in sight. By god, let's see this thing through.

NEXT TIME ON THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER: Omran Chaaban vs Ryan Loder. That's the whole preview.